The Couple's Guide
Relationships and mental healthIse Saath Milkar Jhelna: Rishta Aur Man Ka Swasthya
A warm, plain guide for a couple carrying a mental-health condition or its strain: how to tend the bond and get help together.
Pyaar Apne Aap Sab Theek Nahi Kar Deta
Ek-doosre se pyaar karna sachcha hai aur iski ahmiyat hai. Par jab dono mein se ek jujh raha ho, to akela pyaar rishte ko sambhaale nahi rakh sakta. Achcha rishta wah hota hai jise aap jaan-boojhkar seenchte hain, aisa nahi jo khud hi apna khayal rakh le.
Ho sakta hai dono mein se ek kaafi samay se udaas raha ho, ya ghabraahat mein, ya kisi aisi takleef ke saath jee raha ho jo aati-jaati rehti hai. Ho sakta hai iska tanaav dheere-dheere shaadi mein ghus aaya ho, aur ab chhoti-chhoti baatein bade jhagdon mein badal jaati hon. Ho sakta hai kuchh raaton ko aap ek-doosre ko dekhkar sochte hon ki pehle wali sehajta kahan chali gayi. Aap naakaam nahi ho rahe. Aap do log hain jo kuchh bhaari uthaaye hue hain, aur wah bojh ab aap dono ke beech ke rishte par dabaav daalne laga hai.
Ek baat hai jo samajh mein aa jaaye to raahat deti hai. Ek adhyayan mein ikkis saal tak unhi mahilaon ko dekha gaya, aur paaya gaya ki shaadi mein aaya ek mushkil daur udaasi ko badha sakta hai, aur udaasi shaadi ko ghis sakti hai; samay ke saath har ek doosre ko aur mumkin bana deta tha. Isiliye to ek jode ko apne rishte ko jaan-boojhkar seenchne se faayda hota hai, yah maankar nahi baithna chahiye ki wah khud apna khayal rakh lega.
Yah aapki shaadi par koi faisla nahi hai. Yah ek naksha hai. Agar udaasi aur tanaav ek-doosre ko badhate hain, to dekhbhaal aur sulah bhi ek-doosre ko badha sakte hain. Isi baat par to yah kitaab tiki hai.
Arjun aur Meera ko lijiye. Wah kai maheenon se udaas aur khud mein simta hua hai; wah chupchaap saara kaam sambhaal rahi hai aur dheere-dheere uska sabr khatm hota jaa raha hai. Dono mein se koi bura saathi nahi hai. Bas dono thakkar choor ho gaye hain, aur is thakaan ki aawaz ab khaane ki mez par ek-doosre ko dosh dene jaisi sunaayi dene lagi hai. Unhe aur zyada pyaar ki zaroorat nahi hai, theek-theek kahein to. Pyaar to unke paas hai. Unhe zaroorat hai ise is tarah uthaane ki jismein ek-doosre ko na khona pade.
Agle paanch hisse isi baare mein hain: takleef ko saaf-saaf dekhna, is tarah baat karna ki dono ko suna hua mehsoos ho, bojh ko baraabari se baantna, jode ko zinda rakhna, aur saath milkar madad lena. Chhote, thahre hue kadam, koi bada jaadui ilaaj nahi.
Aaj raat, ek-doosre ko ek aisi baat bataaiye jisne sabse pehle aapko ek-doosre ki taraf kheencha tha. Kuchh suljhaane ke liye nahi, bas yah yaad rakhne ke liye ki is saare tanaav ke neeche ek joda bhi hai. Aur gaur kijiye ki jab aap yah zor se kehte hain to kamre mein kya badalta hai.
Takleef Insaan Nahi Hai
Man ki takleef kisi ki charitra ki kamzori nahi hai, aur yah kisi ki galti nahi hai. Ghar ka roz ka maahaul maayne rakhta hai aur use badla jaa sakta hai, aur yah wah cheez hai jis par aap dono dheere-dheere, saath milkar kaam kar sakte hain.
Jab dono mein se ek theek nahi hota, to takleef ko insaan se ghol-mila dena aasaan ho jaata hai. Udaasi aalas jaisi dikhne lagti hai. Ghabraahat khud ko mushkil banaane jaisi lagne lagti hai. Par takleef aapka saathi nahi hai, aur yah aisi cheez nahi jo aap dono mein se kisi ne chuni ho. Takleef ko insaan se alag karke dekhiye, aur phir aap ek-doosre par palatne ke bajaay kandhe se kandha milaakar iska saamna kar paayenge.
Ghar ka maahaul jitna zyadaatar jode samajhte hain, usse kahin zyada maayne rakhta hai. Man ki takleef ke saath jee rahe parivaaron par hui research mein paaya gaya ki jab ghar ka maahaul aalochana, kadwaahat, ya had se zyada dakhal se bhaari rehta tha, to jo saathi theek nahi tha uske phir se bimaar padne ki gunjaaish zyada hoti thi. Is baat ka kaam ki baat wala hissa dosh dena nahi hai. Yah hai ki yah do logon ke beech ka ek dharra hai, kisi ek ke bheetar ki kami nahi, isliye yah aisi cheez hai jise ek joda dheere-dheere saath milkar naram kar sakta hai.
Jab maine uski chuppi ko apne oopar hamla samajhna band kiya, to main usse ladne ke bajaay uske paas baith paayi.
Meera, badlaav ke us pal par
Hamaare gharon mein aksar kisi ko doshi thehraane ki jaldi mach jaati hai. Rishtedaar poochhte hain ki aapne aisa kya kiya jo yah sab hua, ya phusphusaate hain ki koi mazboot saathi, thoda sakht haath, ab tak ise suljha chuka hota. Yah teeka-tippani zor-shor se hoti hai aur galat hoti hai. Takleef kisi buri shaadi ki saza nahi hai, aur yah is baat ka saboot nahi hai ki aap dono mein se koi naakaam raha.
Aur jaanna chahein to
Maahaul ko naram karne ka matlab yah nahi ki aap har waqt sambhal-sambhalkar chalein ya kabhi sach na bolein. Iska matlab hai yah bhaanp lena ki kab jhunjhlaahat nafrat mein badal gayi hai, aur jahan ho sake wahan garmjoshi chunna. Aur yah dono taraf chalta hai: jo saathi theek hai use bhi thakne aur insaan hone ka haq hai, aur jo theek nahi hai wah bhi sirf apni takleef bhar nahi hai. Aap do poore insaan hain, jo ek saajha dharre par kaam kar rahe hain.
Yaad Rakhiye
Dushman takleef hai aur uska laaya tanaav hai, aapka saathi nahi. Jab koi mushkil pal aaye, to koshish kijiye ki aamne-saamne khade hokar ek-doosre ko dosh dene ke bajaay, kandhe se kandha milaakar us samasya ki taraf dekhein.
Agli baar jab aapko koi shikaayat uthti mehsoos ho, to insaan ka nahi, bartaav ka naam lekar dekhiye. "Aaj humne baat nahi ki to mujhe akela laga" yah "tumhe kabhi parwaah hi nahi" se bahut alag asar karta hai. Aur dekhiye ki pehli baat par aapke saathi ke kandhe kaise dheele padte hain.
Is Tarah Baat Karna Ki Dono Ko Suna Hua Mehsoos Ho
Is tarah baat karna ki dono ko suna hua mehsoos ho, ek hunar hai, aur ise seekha jaa sakta hai. Jhagde ke baad sulah karna aur yah samajhna ki aap dono asal mein kya mehsoos karte hain, is baat ka hisaab rakhne se kahin behtar kaam karta hai ki kaun sahi tha.
Zyadaatar jodon ke jhagde asal mein bartanon ya paison ko lekar nahi hote. Teekhe shabdon ke neeche aam taur par ek naram-sa ehsaas chhipa hota hai: mujhe akela lagta hai, mujhe lagta hai meri koi ahmiyat nahi, mujhe dar hai ki tum door hote jaa rahe ho. Jab aap apne saathi ke gusse ke neeche us naram ehsaas ko sun paate hain, aur unhe apna naram ehsaas sunne dete hain, to jhagde ki shakl hi badal jaati hai.
Yah koi hawa-hawaai ummeed nahi hai. Jab mushkil mein pade jodon ne aise tareekon par kaam kiya jo chot ko narmi se jataane aur ek-doosre ke bheetari ehsaason ko sunne par tike the, to unke rishte ki khushi mein ek sachchi, theek-thaak badhat hui. Jhagde ke baad sulah karna, is hisaab se aage rehta hai ki kaun sahi tha. Koi joda jhagde se nahi bach paata. Mazboot jode ismein maahir ho jaate hain ki baad mein phir se ek-doosre ke paas kaise lauta jaaye.
- Gusse ke neeche chhipa naram ehsaas kahiye, sirf shikaayat nahi.
- Apne saathi ko samajhne ke liye suniye, behes jeetne ke liye nahi.
- Jhagde ke baad sulah kijiye; ek sachcha "mujhe maaf karna" darwaza phir khol deta hai.
- Purani galtiyon ka hisaab rakhna chhodiye; yah aap dono ko phansaaye rakhta hai.
Kisi bure jhagde ke baad Arjun ek din ke liye gaayab ho jaata tha aur Meera andar hi andar sulagti rehti thi. Jis cheez ne haalaat badle wah tha ek chhota-sa tareeka jis par ve raazi hue: jab dono ka gussa thanda ho jaaye, to jo zyada tika hua mehsoos kare wah lautkar ek imaandaar vaakya kahe, "Mujhe yah achcha nahi laga jaise yah sab hua, aur main nahi chaahta ki hum yahin atke rahein." Isse matbhed nahi sulajhta tha. Isse wah doori bharti thi, jo asal mein sabse zyada chubhti thi.
Sulah ka matlab yah tay karna nahi hai ki kaun jeeta. Iska matlab hai tootan ke baad ek-doosre ki taraf phir se haath badhaana. Ek naram shabd, badha hua ek haath, aur yah kehne ki taiyaari ki "ismein meri bhi galti thi", usse bahut pehle ki poora maamla suljh jaaye.
Aur jaanna chahein to
Jab koi takleef tasveer mein ho, to kuchh jhagdon mein udaasi ya ghabraahat ka bojh bhara hota hai, aur ise narmi se keh dena madad karta hai: "Mujhe lagta hai aaj tumhaare liye bhaari din hai, kya hum is baat par baad mein laut sakte hain?" Yah bahaana banaana nahi hai. Yah baatcheet ko us waqt ke liye rakhna hai jab aap dono sachmuch ek-doosre ko sun sakein. Agar dono mein se kisi ko kabhi sirf naakhushi nahi, balki asurakshit mehsoos ho, to yahi wah mauka hai ki akele jhelne ke bajaay kisi doctor ya helpline se sampark kiya jaaye.
Abhi, jab haalaat shaant hain, ek sulah wala vaakya tay kar lijiye jise aap dono mein se koi bhi jhagde ke baad istemaal kar sake. Kuchh seedha-sa jaise "Main chaahta hoon hum phir ek hi taraf aa jaayein." Ise pehle se taiyaar rakhna mushkil pal mein ise thaamna kahin aasaan bana deta hai.
Bojh Baantna, Bina Kisi Ek Ke Nurse Bane
Bojh baantna tab sabse achcha chalta hai jab aap dono takleef ko saath milkar samjhein, na ki dono mein se ek chupchaap poore waqt ki nurse ban jaaye. Taakat saath milkar seekhne mein hai, ek ke doosre par pehra bithaane mein nahi.
Jab ek saathi theek nahi hota, to doosra aksar kisi bhoomika mein sarak jaata hai: manager, nigraani karne wala, nurse. Yah pyaar se aata hai, par maheenon mein yah shaadi ko mareez aur dekhbhaal karne wale tak sikod sakta hai, aur jo dekhbhaal kar raha hai use chupchaap nichod sakta hai. Yah aap dono mein se kisi ke liye achcha nahi hai, aur rishta iske liye nahi hota.
Ek behtar shakl bhi hai, aur saboot iska saath dete hain. Kisi gambheer man ki takleef wale insaan ka saath de rahe parivaaron ke adhyayanon mein, jin karyakramon ne poore parivaar ko ek saajha samajh aur roz ke aasaan hunar diye, unhone saaf taur par us insaan ke phir se bimaar padne ki gunjaaish ghata di. Taakat saath milkar seekhne mein thi, ek insaan ke doosre par pehra bithaane mein nahi.
To sirf kaam nahi, samajh baantiye. Takleef ke baare mein kandhe se kandha milaakar seekhiye. Jo saathi theek nahi hai use jitni ho sake utni apni dekhbhaal ki baagdor apne haath mein rakhne dijiye, aur jo saathi theek hai wah nigraan ke bajaay saathi bane. Maksad hai do baalig jo ek saajha chunauti ka saamna kar rahe hain, na ki ek baalig jo doosre ko sambhaal raha hai.
Saath milkar seekhiye.
Padhiye, doctor se poochhiye, takleef ko ek jode ke taur par samjhiye, taaki aap dono mein se koi akele andaaze na lagaata rahe.
Baagdor banti rahe.
Jo saathi theek nahi hai wah jahan ho sake apni dekhbhaal ka zimma khud sambhaale; doosra saath de, kaaboo na kare.
Dekhbhaal karne wale ki had kahiye.
Jo saath de raha hai use bhi thakne, apni zarooratein rakhne, aur khud bhi madad maangne ka haq hai.
Auron ko saath laaiye.
Koi bharose ka rishtedaar, dost, ya doctor bojh baant sakta hai, taaki yah saara kisi ek saathi par na aan pade.
Jo Ise Sambhaale Hue Hai, Uske Liye
Agar aap wahi saathi hain jo chupchaap iska zyadaatar hissa uthaaye hue hain, to yah suniye: aapko sirf dekhbhaal karne wala nahi, jeevansaathi hone ka bhi haq hai. Apne aaraam aur sehat ka khayal rakhna swaarth nahi hai. Khaali tanki par chal raha koi dekhbhaal karne wala kisi ki madad nahi kar sakta, sabse kam us insaan ki jisse wah pyaar karta hai.
Is hafte, koi ek dekhbhaal wala kaam chuniye jo chupchaap kisi ek insaan ka zimma ban gaya hai, aur us par ek team ki tarah baat kijiye. Kya ise baanta jaa sakta hai, aasaan banaaya jaa sakta hai, ya kisi aur ko saumpa jaa sakta hai? Ek kaam baantne se poori cheez ki shakl halki ho jaati hai.
Jode Ko Zinda Rakhna
Jode ko zinda rakhne mein lagaataar mehnat lagti hai, koi ek baar ka ilaaj nahi. Samay, garmjoshi, chhuan, aur thodi hansi-mazaak ke chhote, niyamit nivesh hi wah cheez hain jo achchi baaton ko phisalne se rokte hain.
Jab takleef aur uska tanaav ghar bhar dete hain, to sabse pehle aam taur par joda hi kinaare dhakel diya jaata hai. Saari taakat bas jhelne mein lag jaati hai, aur aapka wah hissa jo kabhi saath hansta tha, saath baahar jaata tha, bas ek joda hua karta tha, "baad mein" ke liye taak par rakh diya jaata hai. Par us "baad mein" ki aadat hai ki wah kabhi aata hi nahi, aur jo shaadi sirf farz par chalti hai wah dheere-dheere berang ho jaati hai.
Research is baare mein saaf hai ki yah kyun maayne rakhta hai. Jodon ki madad par hui sameekshaayein bataati hain ki mushkil mein pade zyadaatar jode madad se behtar ho jaate hain, par unmein se kareeb aadhon ke liye wah faayda aane wale maheenon mein feeka pad jaata hai agar rishte ko bas apne bharose chhod diya jaaye. Chhote, niyamit nivesh hi wah cheez hain jo achche badlaavon ko phisalne se rokte hain. Chhat par saath baithkar hafte mein ek baar ki chai, saal mein ek baar ki bhavya chhutti se zyada kaam karti hai.
Humne ek-doosre ka saath lutf uthaane ke liye behtar mehsoos hone ka intezaar karna band kar diya. Pata chala ki ek-doosre ka saath lutf uthaana hi behtar mehsoos hone ka ek hissa tha.
Arjun, chhah maheene baad
Ise bada ya mehnga hone ki zaroorat nahi. Phone neeche rakhkar bitaaye bina jaldbaazi ke pandrah minute. Khaane ke baad ek tahal. Chai ubalte waqt thaama gaya ek haath. Ek saajha mazaak jo sirf aap dono ka hai. Chhuan aur garmjoshi koi aisi atirikt cheezein nahi jo mushkil daur khatm hone ke baad kamaani hon; ye us tareeke ka hissa hain jisse aap dono theek bane rehte hain.
Aur jaanna chahein to
Bhaari dinon mein, jab dono mein se ek mein hansi-mazaak ki koi taakat na ho, to ummeed chhoti rakhiye aur koshish sachchi. Saath chupchaap baithna bhi gina jaata hai. Bina maange laayi gayi ek cup chai bhi gini jaati hai. Baat khushi zabardasti laane ki nahi hai, baat is mushkil daur mein "hum" ka dhaaga na tootne dene ki hai, taaki jab mausam saaf ho tab bhi ek joda wahin maujood rahe.
Hafte mein jaan-boojhkar ek chhota joda-pal rakhiye: ek chhoti tahal, bina screen ke ek cup chai, das minute jinmein bas samasya ke alaawa kisi bhi baat par baat ho. Ise kisi appointment ki tarah bachaakar rakhiye. Phir gaur kijiye ki baaki hafta kaisa mehsoos hota hai.
Saath Milkar Madad Lena
Saath milkar madad lena ek sachcha vikalp hai, aur yah kaam karta hai. Ek jode ke taur par kisi se milna, aur jahan zaroorat ho wahan aap dono ka apni-apni madad lena, sabse asardaar kadmon mein se hain, naakaami ki nishaani nahi.
Ek chupchaap baithi hui soch hai ki madad ke liye jaane ka matlab hai ki shaadi naakaam ho gayi. Sach iska ulta hai. Haath badhaana un sabse mazboot cheezon mein se ek hai jo mushkil mein pada koi joda kar sakta hai, aur iske peechhe achche saboot hain. Sabse behtareen adhyayanon ki ek badi sameeksha mein paaya gaya ki jode wali therapy ne udaasi mein kareeb-kareeb utni hi madad ki jitni akele wali therapy ne, aur jab joda tanaav mein tha tab isne rishte ko khud sudhaarne mein isse zyada kiya.
To do darwaze hain, aur aap dono istemaal kar sakte hain. Ek hai jode ke liye madad, saath milkar, jahan ek prashikshit insaan aapko baat karne aur sulah karne mein madad karta hai. Doosra hai akele ki madad, aap dono mein se jise zaroorat ho uske liye, khud takleef ke liye. Ek jode ke taur par kisi se milna aur aap dono ka apni-apni madad lena naakaami ki nishaani nahi hai; ye un sabse asardaar kadmon mein se hain jo koi joda utha sakta hai.
Aur dawa ka kya? Kuchh takleefon ke liye koi doctor ek aisi tarah ki dawa sujha sakta hai jo man ko shaant karti hai ya udaasi ko halka karti hai, baatcheet wali madad ke saath-saath, samajh ke badle mein kabhi nahi, aur hamesha ek soch-samajhkar liya gaya faisla jo aapke saath milkar liya jaaye. Yah aap dono aur ek doctor ke saath milkar karne wali baat hai, koi darne ya zabardasti karne wali cheez nahi.
Do Tarah Ki Madad, Dono Ki Ijaazat Hai
Jode wali madad aur akele ki madad ek-doosre ki pratidwandvi nahi hain. Kai jode dono istemaal karte hain: rishte ko jodne ke liye saath wali baithkein, aur takleef ke liye alag madad. Inmein se kisi ko bhi maangna is baat ki nishaani hai ki aap ise gambheerta se le rahe hain, is baat ki nahi ki aapne haar maan li.
Aur jaanna chahein to
Pehli appointment se pehle aapko sab kuchh suljha lene ki zaroorat nahi. Jo aapne gaur kiya hai wah lekar aaiye: mushkil din kab aate hain, kya madad karta hai, jhagde asal mein andar se kis baare mein hain, aap dono kya bachaana chaahte hain. Ek achcha chikitsak theek isi ke saath kaam karta hai, aur aapko ek jode ke taur par ek yojana banaane mein madad karta hai, oopar se koi faisla thopne ke bajaay. Agar kabhi haalaat asurakshit lagein, to der karne ke bajaay jaldi kisi doctor ya helpline se sampark kijiye.
Saath milkar, ek-ek baat likh lijiye jismein aap har ek madad chaahenge, ek jode ke liye aur ek apne liye. Yah list apne phone par rakhiye. Dono lekar andar jaana pehli baatcheet ko zyada shaant banaata hai, aur dhyaan aap dono par ek team ke taur par tikaaye rakhta hai.
Yeh jaankari kahan se hai
Aur padhne ke liye
Yeh guide samajhne mein madad karti hai. Yeh nidaan nahin hai. Uske liye doctor se milein.